I Forgive You

Disclaimer: This post is a letter I wrote a few days ago to my ex-boyfriend. It was something I felt I simply had to write. God had been reminding me so much that if I do not forgive, He will not forgive me. And so I needed to express that. I was hesitant to actually put it up on my blog, as it is a very personal piece. In fact, a lot of what I write is very personal, and it's difficult for me to share, not knowing who will read it or how they will react. And while that is something that scares me, it is also a large part of why I feel I need to put these pieces out there. I never know who will be reading my blog. The wonderful and terrible thing about them is that anyone can write one and anyone can read it. So I don't know who has read some of the most personal stories of my life and what they think of them. But what keeps me writing is the off chance that someone out there is helped by my words and my stories. Maybe someone has had a relationship experience much like mine and will be helped, blessed, and challenged by what God has taught me through all this. I can only pray so.

I forgive you.

And yes, it took me almost nine months to be able to say that. Simply put, I am doing it because God commands it. Because we are told that God forgives us as we forgive those who trespass against us.

You are a terrible person. You did terrible things to me. And to be honest, you messed me up quite completely. I am still sorting out a lot of leftover shit from you. Still un-learning a lot of lies you taught me. But those two years of my life set me on a journey, took me on a path that has brought me where I am today. I probably could have gotten there more easily. But God has taught me so much through that journey.

God has the power to redeem any situation, to overcome any weakness, to heal the broken, set the captives free. I’ve learned that. I’ve lived that. Thanks to you, I guess.

So I don’t hold my past against you. I made the choice to stay with you. I chose to stay out of God’s path for me. He has redeemed it, thank God. I guess that’s the grace of God.

Sometimes I’m still really angry at you, but I think I have finally let that go. The past is the past, and all I can do now is learn from it and be set free from it. I can turn it over to God and let Him transform it into a story of His glory and power. And it is His to avenge. I don’t have to make you realize what you did, I don’t have to pay you back for it. That’s His job. I’m free now.

I’m really happy, honestly. And I hope someday you can come to Him and experience the same grace that I have. I don’t hate you. I don’t ever want anything to do with you ever again, but I don’t hate you. I just needed to tell you this, needed to let go of all the things inside of me. To be entirely honest, it’s eaten me up inside for a long time. But I’m free from all that now.

I guess the point is, I’m not angry at you anymore. I pity you. I hope you find some sort of help someday. But you don’t have any power over me. You don’t have the power to make me feel small, weak, stupid, guilty. You can’t manipulate me anymore. Christ has set me free.

So please don’t ever try to contact me. You are simply someone who was once a part of my life, and is now gone. Forgiven and gone forever.