The Problem of Pain

What is my story?

Well. It is one of transformation. I don't know exactly why some things have happened in my life. In fact, I asked that question today in utter frustration. Why must things have happened the way they did? Why did I have to experience so much pain? Why did I have to go through what I did? Why much my story be filled with so much darkness? Why must the past haunt me so?

We constantly ask the question why in life, Christians just as much as anyone else. Perhaps we ask it more, actually, simply because we have someone to ask. We have Someone who was supposed to make it all better. So what the fuck happened?

To be honest, I don't really have a good answer for that. I wrote a sixteen page Bender research paper on the subject of suffering (which I got an A on btw) and I still have no idea what I think about the problem of pain.

Scratch that, I have an idea. I just don't have a pat little answer. Frankly, I don't think there is one. God is not a simple God. His ways are not simple, and as much as He has chosen to reveal Himself in this world, there are many things we will simply never be able to grasp fully.

So. God. What's the deal? Why so much pain in my life? Why am I still haunted? Why did this have to happen to me and why does it seem he got off scot free? He doesn't even acknowledge what he did wrong. I have had this conversation with God many times. It's definitely not a new subject with us.

But every time I have this conversation with Him, I am reminded of something TJ Oates of all people said during one of the worship nights at Central Baptist. It wasn't really a place I was expecting to hear something of lasting value, but amidst TJ's rambling, God taught me something. He taught me that I must be amazed by my own story.

And I am. When I reflect upon my life, mostly the past three years of it, I run the gamut of emotional experiences, but mostly I am struck with complete and utter thankfulness. The faithfulness of God literally seems to overwhelm me, and all I can do is cry tears of thankfulness. You see, I came so close to losing everything.

I know that sounds dramatic, but eight months ago, I was at a crossroads that I am convinced was to determine the course of the rest of my life. My relationship with Brandon had reached a point of complete inevitability. I had fount for so long and I was, quite simply, tired of fighting anymore. I had accepted that I would end up married to this person, whether or not I was actually happy, whether or not it was actually what I wanted. It was what he wanted, and he would get what he wanted. All I could do was pray desperately that I would not always be as miserable as I was then.

I had given up hope that happiness would ever come for me. I hated myself and my life, but the course was set and I felt powerless to stop it. I had lost most of my friends thanks to him, I had largely stopped speaking to my family. At his insistence, I never told anyone the truth of what was going on.

It was all inevitable, it was all hopeless. I had lost faith that even God could rescue me. He had not answered my prayers to change Brandon, to make it stop, to change the disastrous course laid out before me. I believed He had ordained this course for me. So why would He change it?

Everything of value was slipping away from me - family, friends, faith - to use an unintentionally cheesy alliteration. And the thing is, the completely terrifying thing is, I had accepted it. It had all become inevitable because I felt powerless to change it. The course of my life was set. Or so I thought.

Over the course of the past eight months and through a set of circumstances only God could have ordained, all this has changed. Sometimes I look back and I am completely amazed. Scratch that. Every time I look back I am completely amazed. I am not even sure I have the words to describe how different my life is now from eight months ago.

Nope. I officially don't. The change is extraordinary. Truly supernatural, actually. I don't believe I have ever used that adjective before, but it is the only one that will suffice. Because you see, God rescued me. God saved me. I do not say that to be dramatic. I really do not intend to be melodramatic. I simply am trying to convey the overwhelming faithfulness of God.

Now when I reflect upon my life, that is what I see. I see His faithfulness. I had given up on Him but He had not given up on me. Even when I was faithless, He remained faithful. Because as much as I was a victim, I still chose that path. I chose to reject what God had for me and live for what I chose. It drove me to despair, and Christ reached down and pulled me out of my own foolishness.

He rescued me. He saved me. He took me from an abusive relationship to one that fills me with joy and points me to Him. He transformed me from a broken shade to my true self. I will never be rid of my past, but I am free from it. It effects me, but will never define me. It has taught me, it does not own me.

I am amazed by my own story. I stand in awe of God as I see His work in my life. And perhaps that is why this has happened. I am not saying that is beyond a shadow of a doubt why it has happened. Like I said, there are no easy answers, no pat solutions. Perhaps twenty years from now, I will have a completely different idea of what the purpose of the past two years was. But for now, this is what God has chosen to reveal to me.

Recently, I had a conversation with God and asked Him so many questions why. Why did You make me this way? Why do things not come easily to me? Why are simple things so difficult for me? Simply put, why am I the way I am? Why have I been so broken and why did I have to go through all of this? I poured my heart out to Him, and I heard Him speak. I heard His words.

God told me Esther, let me tell you something. I love you. And I made you the way I did intentionally. Yes, things are difficult for you. No, you are not like everyone else. Yes, you have experienced some terrible things and in many ways, those things have robbed you of what little strength you had.

But all of that made you rely on me. It broke you, but it forced you to come to me. It wounded you in a way that only I can heal. It brought you to me, and I healed you. I transformed you, I set you free. Yes, you are weak. But I am strong. And your weakness has brought you into my arms.

So my question for you, Esther, is this - is it worth it?

Is knowing me worth it? Is being utterly reliant on my strength worth the weakness? Am I worth it? Is your story of my faithfulness worth what you have gone through?

Well. What do you say to that? It's easy to say yeah, God, of course it's worth it. But is that really true? Am I willing to say that I accept my past because it displays God's glory? That my pain is worth it because it brought me to dependence on Christ? Is He worth it?

Yes.