Learning to be New

 I messed up today.

And I haven’t felt this shitty in a long while.

My boyfriend called me after a long and stressful meeting about his student teaching in the fall. Basically, his schedule will be crazy just with student teaching, but because he also has to live and pay tuition while getting paid absolutely nothing for student teaching, he’ll have to work at least part time on top of his full time student teaching. Yes, rambling sentence. Yes, it sucks. And yes, it’s just a little bit stressful.

He just needed to talk to me, just needed to hear my voice say everything will be ok. All I needed to do was stay positive, help him stay positive, and point him back to the truth that God will carry us through even what seems to be an impossibly stressful situation.

And I couldn’t do that.

And I had some serious relationship flashbacks.

See, when I was with Brandon, I could never talk to him. I realized after the fact that this was due to the fact that I didn’t trust him and was constantly walking on egg shells so as to not anger him. I was terrified that something I would say would set him off, and so it was nearly impossible for me to speak my mind. As a result, whenever we would have an important talk, or even when we would have an every day conversation, I would stumble, stammer, and not know how to express myself.

This, however, pissed him off possibly more than whatever I would have said and he constantly berated me for not being able to talk. I have never felt more stupid, more small, more absolutely crushed than when he said, “It’s so simple. Why can’t you just talk?”

Even now I can barely think about it without tears. He crushed me with those words.

Back to today. When Jake is stressed, I simply don’t know what to do. I need to fix something, need to make it better, but feel powerless to do so. I couldn’t just talk to him, and so I shut down. I got negative right along with him. I cried. I even told him he shouldn’t be with me because I couldn’t help him.

Honesty, folks. It’s embarrassing. But it certainly helps you get some perspective on the situation.

He told me over and over that all I needed to do was talk to him. That we always talk, that talking is what we do best. And that’s all he needed. He said it to help me. 

He just didn’t know that’s what makes me shut down the most. Because for two years I couldn’t talk. And so being told to “just talk,” is merely a reminder of two years of failure.

But that’s the past. And as much as it haunts me, I have to let go of that past and realize that today is new. I am new. And I am changed, set free from that person I used to be.

And now I have to learn how to be that new person. I think that’s really the journey of a Christian. Learning how to live in the freedom that Christ has given us. Learning how to listen to the truth. Learning to accept grace. Learning how to be new.

So the past says that this situation is too stressful. That stress will simply kill our relationship, suck the life out of it. That everything good will fall apart, that we won’t be the same people, that the worst will come out, and all my fears will be realized.

New life says that we are set free from those patterns. That no matter the circumstances, there is a good God who loves us, who is faithful to help us, to carry us, and to teach us. New life says to trust Him and to trust His influence in the lives of those we love.

The past says to despair. New life says there is always hope.

The past says to run away. New life says to remain faithful.

The past says that once you mess up, everything is done. New life says to have the humility to admit mistakes and the courage to move on and try again. 

The past says you are chained to those old mistakes, those old ways of living. New life says you are free, free to let go and be happy, to trust and have peace.

The past says when you mess up you are worthless. New life says to accept grace.

The past says you can’t talk. New life says you can.