Mom-Inspired

I had an interesting conversation with my mom the other day. And it really got me thinking. About love of all things.

I know, right? Who ever would have expected that I would think about love so much? Especially the romantic, mushy kind? But don’t worry. If anything, I’m telling you how stupid I think the modern conception of love is. Spoiler alert. If you think chick flicks are great, you might want to stop reading right now.

And yes, this conversation is greatly embellished by my thoughts on the matter. But for the moment, just pretend this is exactly how it went.

The other day I was talking to my mom about my boyfriend and she said he seemed pretty crazy about me. And I said, “Well, yeah, it’s because I’m so awesome.”

She seemed to think that was conceited for some reason.

But we left it at that. Until a few days later, when she randomly brought it up again over breakfast. And she said, Esther, I’ve been thinking about what you said the other day. And while I am glad you have such self-confidence, and while I’m glad he loves you for you. And I’m also glad you’re back to your old self after Brandon, I don’t think that’s why Jake loves you.

…..? Ok, Mom. Please continue.

Well, he loves you now, when you are back to your true self. The happy self, the person you were created to be. But he also loved you at your worst. He loved you when you were with Brandon. He cared about you enough to seek you out, to ask questions, to make sure you were ok, even when you were wandering so far from who you were meant to be.

So really, his love for you doesn’t depend on you. It depends on him.

That IS an exact quote. And I haven’t been able to get that out of my head since she said it.

It is one of the most beautiful thoughts I can imagine, really. To think that no matter what I do or become, no matter how many times I screw up, how many times I give in to the worst inside me, he will still love me. Simply because he chooses to love me.

Because let’s face it. There will always be someone prettier, skinnier, funnier, smarter, more sociable. Girls, you know what I’m talking about. That’s why we’re so secure, isn’t it? Why we’re terrified, possessive, controlling, manipulative? We’re terrified they’ll find someone better and leave us. Or simply get sick of how complicated we are, of all our mistakes and insecurities, and just walk away.

All these things stem from our insecurities, from our belief that we aren’t worth it. And yet, even the best self-esteem cannot keep us secure. Because, let’s be honest. Sometimes we’re not that great. Sometimes we’re just complete bitches. And we know it, we feel it, want desperately to stop it. But we just can’t. And so we unload all our stress, all our wildly vacillating emotions on the wonderful men in our lives.

And then you snap out of it and think…. Well shit. That sucked.

So what then? Then they choose to love you. They choose to love every part of you, even the ugly parts. They love you at your worst. They love to deal with your past, your tears, your insecurities, because it means getting to know you better. They love you no matter what, simply because they have chosen to.

My boyfriend has lived this for me. And believe me, it is a humbling experience. He has taught me so much about how to love someone unconditionally. And I can only hope to do the same for him.

But wait. There’s more!

Yep. Cheesy infomercial reference. I went there.

But seriously. As beautiful as that reality is, I still fear. I still fear that someday it will all be too much and that I will simply mess up too much for him. That one day we will reach the breaking point, he will shake his head and sadly say that it is all simply too much. He doesn’t love me anymore.

That is the worst thought I can imagine.

But what sets me free from the fear of that moment is something he taught me, actually. We’ve all heard the verse, “We love because He first loved us,” right? Well, most people think that verse means we love God because God first loved us. But what Jake pointed out was that it also means we can love not only God, but also ourselves and others because God first loved us. He pours love, real love, unconditional love, into us so that we can pour it out on others.

The only way we can truly love is through experiencing the love of Christ.

And that is the only way we can trust the love of others. I can trust Jake’s love because I know that it is Christ enabling him to love me. Christ is unbelievably faithful and worthy of trust. And I know that as long as Jake and I rely on Him, nothing can shake our love.

So there you have it. Christ loves us. We choose to love. We can trust. We can be set free.

To me, it returns us to paradise. To the way things were meant to be. It sets us free from the need to prove our worth, to earn love. It sets us free from that draining, exhausting struggle. From all the games and manipulation, from possessiveness. It frees us to trust.

And I love that picture.

My mom’s so wise.