Let the Light In

I am the biggest barrier to my own happiness.

Why can’t I just let myself be ok?

Why can’t I just laugh at myself, laugh at my own meltdowns, and move on?

Perhaps it is as simple as that. Let yourself smile. Let yourself move on. Let yourself forget. Gain some perspective. Let the light in. Don’t stand in front of the door.

Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead and Christ will shine on you.

Have the courage to move on, to let go, to smile.

I never want to be ok on my own. I always want to somehow let others know I’m not ok.

And make them fix it for me. Make them make it all better.

But the truth is, only God can fix it. Only surrendering to Him will make it all better. And, like it or not, that’s something you have to do yourself. Others can point you to the truth, but you have to be willing to take the first step in that direction. You have to allow the Spirit in for Him to do His work.

He can’t change an unwilling heart.

So when you’re feeling overwhelmed, stop for a moment. Just hit pause. Let the Spirit in. Smile. Seriously. Physically smile. Laugh. And let it melt away.

To be ok, you have to be willing to be ok.

“But I say to you that listen, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coast do not withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you hope to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to receive as much again. But love your enemies, do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return. Your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High; for he is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

Luke 6:27-36

I wrote the first part of this piece a while ago. I added the scripture today, planning to write some slightly melodramatic piece “to help me process” my most recent heartbreak.

You know what I did instead? I watched youtube videos.

The Harvard Sailing Team series entitled Boys will be Girls. Seriously hilarious. You should watch them.

But you know what I did after that? I texted the person I was mad at.

And I let go. Sometimes it really is as simple as that.

See, all my life I’ve been a bit dramatic. Chalk it up to my artistic personality, my sensitivity, hell, just chalk it up to my vagina, but whatever the reason, it’s true. And writing, for a long time, served simply as a way to prolong my drama, help me stew in my hurt, and internalize my bitterness. I got really good at the whole woe is me tragic stuff.

And I justified it by saying that writing helped me process. I just never realized that processing simply meant reliving all the hurt over and over and over again. It never meant moving on, forgiving, letting go. It simply meant dwelling on me. My hurts. My scars. Me. Me. And more. Fucking. Me.

Well you know what? I’m done with that. At least right now, in this moment, I’m done with that. Because you know what I realized? You don’t have to be dramatic. You don’t have to wait for some magical feeling of “letting go” or peace from God. Sometimes you don’t even have to process.

Sometimes you know exactly what you have to do and you just have to grow a pair and do it. And yes, I use that phrase intentionally. As girls, we need to learn a lesson from the wonderful men in our lives about how to stop being dramatic and just chill out about things.

Yes. I’ve been hurt. Yes. Life has, in many ways, been unfair to me. Yes. It sucks.

But you know what? There’s absolutely nothing I can do about that now. All I can do is choose to live all the things that I say I believe. And that Scripture up there says Hey. Bitch. Stop just being nice to the people who’ve never hurt you. Stop being dramatic about all the hurt you’ve supposedly suffered. You know that guy you say you love? The one who took the punishment for the sins of the entire world and endured being rejected by God for sins He didn’t commit? Yeah. He forgave you. Try showing that love to someone else.

My personal paraphrase there.

So the other day, I was pissed at a friend. She had done some stuff I didn’t like, said some stuff about me, just generally had pissed me off. And this conflict had dragged on way too long. And finally I just said you know what? I’m done with this. And I started being nice. I let go of the past, I said today is a new day, and I was there for her when she needed me.

And it turned out great.

So girls. Let’s stop being dramatic. It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to process and cry and have moments of Yeah, life sucks. Life is pretty shitty right now. And lean on those who will always be there for you.

But after that wipe your tears, stop wallowing, put on your big girl panties and let go. Let God work in your life. Let the light in. And be new.